17 7 / 2014
- 1: you're the weak one. you'll never know love, or friendship. and i feel sorry for you.
- 2: i came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now
17 7 / 2014
Today felt like the first real summer day. For me this means: getting really hot and sweaty just walking around, dying from heat when climbing stairs.
It also meant I wanted to not be overheated, my usual covered arms and legs were excruciatingly hot. While looking through my summer outfits from last year, I remembered how I felt wearing them when I was a little thinner last summer (a little bit, still was fat)
I always start the summer fatter than the past year, then during the summer I lose some weight and feel better, then I gain it all back and some.
This summer I did my traditional dance: put on too small dresses and tops, hate myself, take it of, look in the mirror at my pale, fucking fat and disgustingly sweaty body, cry and curse myself, repeat the circle until no clothes left. Eventually I put on an old extra big t shirt to hide myself, sweatpants (even if it’s ungodly warm), go downstairs, swear I’ll never eat again, watch tv, get out the tub of ice cream and pig out. Then always back to hating myself and my body, not because of the way it looks, but because it doesn’t ever feel like MY body. It always felt like I was in an in between phase, a regular girl in a temporary fat body. Only it’s taking more time than I want it to.
I’ve GOT to learn to either be okay with how I look or to start working hard to achieve the look I want. Or both, work hard but also appreciate my body during.
Basically what I wanted to share today is; summer sucks when you’re fat*